Well, per usual, I spoke too soon about glimpses of better moments yesterday. Today, thus far, I’ve been the proverbial mess. Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel today. There is just so darn much to do, so much to take care of, business-wise, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and don’t even get me started about my laundry needs.
I had another one of those panic-attack moments after coming back home from the boys’ school, thinking I cannot do this, I cannot do this. I then remembered that I had forgotten to take my xanax, which seems to be helping in these issues. The simple things that were ‘no-brainers’ for me to do seem to take the most time for me now. And as the xanax begins to calm me, along with my devotional reading for the day, I try to slow down enough to be able to listen to what God needs me to do.
I need to provide for my sons. I need for them to feel love without end. I need for them to feel safe, even though it’s just the three of us now. I need to find male friends willing to come over and be wrestled around on the floor (by the boys, not me!), friends able to step in, albeit in a small way, to give Andrew & Ben a testosterone-based presence in their lives. That’s a tall order, for sure. But it’s what we need.
My second outdoor column was published today, it gives me something to aspire to. http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2011/sep/15/with-fall-around-the-corner-life-really-is/ It keeps me honest by keeping my promise to Mark to teach our boys the importance of conservation, ecology, and just the pure joy of being outside. It also gives me purpose, and hope that this outlet may serve a greater good & reach others who find themselves in similar crappy circumstances. In the long run, I pray it helps all three of us heal.
So, I think I’m done crying, at least for now. There’s too much to be done for me to sit & feel sorry for myself. There’s many in worse situations than I am in, and my boys & I have much to be thankful for. And my dryer timer is telling me I have 20 shirts to hang up.
Peace & blessings, friends…
One thought on “"One step forward, two steps back…"”
Nancy, I don't know how you do what you do. Believe it or not, you are very amazing. This blog is a wonderful idea-a way for you to express yourself that the boys can read later on when they are older. Hang in there. Many prayers are still coming your way from Kansas.