Today stinks. Yep, I’m just laying it out there. Went to Sunday School & church, had great messages both places, learning about leaving a legacy after you die. That’s something we should all strive for as Christians, to leave this place a little (or a lot!) better than when we first arrived.
But I find myself really angry today. As we drove home in the car following church, the boys were, well, being boys, playing with two balloons in the backseat. Their playful banter and laughing sounded so much like their dad’s. The closer we got to the house, the angrier I got. As we pulled into the driveway, I glanced at that truck that he loved to drive. I parked the car beside it, as I’ve done thousands of times. The boys scurried out, worried that one of the wayward balloons would find its way to the dog, never a good combination. I had my door open, purse in hand…but I could not move. Must’ve been 5 minutes before the boys realized that I wasn’t behind them, coming back to witness their mother with her head against the steering wheel of the car, sobbing.
I am so mad, God! Why did you take this wonderful husband and father? He had his whole future mapped out, our future, and now he’s gone. Is the future he planned for the four of us the future path I continue to follow? Or is there something else that You have in store for us? It’s hard being three when you’re used to being four. I know where he is, but I want him here with me, with our boys. God, I’m not mad at You, I’m just mad about the change in our plans. Guess they didn’t coincide with Yours. But I’m struggling. Struggling to find a routine that makes sense, that moves us in the right direction, and that keeps us looking toward You.
When does this get better? Everyone says “give it time”. Well, I don’t have alot of time. I have two boys depending on me to be both mom & dad for now. And for every good hour I have, I seem to have 4 that are not good. If my math skills don’t fail me, that’s only 20% of the time that my life doesn’t suck. Sorry about that word, ‘suck’, but it’s how Mark himself described his dilemma, only 2 days before his death. He raised that oxygen mask with just me in the room and said, clear as day, “This sucks!”. My response? “I know it does, sweetie, but all we can do is fight & try to make tomorrow suck a little less.” Those words spoke volumes about his situation. He knew he was in the fight of his life. And I thought that this strong healthy man would pull through.
Now I’m the one who has to “pull through”….the one that is determined to make “tomorrow suck a little less”. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in my life. Part of me wants to close all the drapes, go to bed, and curl up into the fetal position…for days. But I can’t do that. I don’t have the luxury. I have the two most important parts of his legacy looking to me for strength & guidance. And I couldn’t even get out of my car today.
Dear God in heaven, I know that when I am weak, You are strong. Today, at least during this hour, You must be enormously strong for all three of us.
4 thoughts on “Paralyzed in the car….”
I sort of know what you mean, in an autism sort of way. About the anger. And the need to retreat. Yet, I really don't know.Sometimes, a retreat is okay. Find someone to care for the boys for a few hours while you sleep or do something mindless. I'm glad you can run. Exercise is good medicine. I need to figure out a way to exercise around ups and downs of autism. You are an inspiration to me there.Praying for you. Praying, praying, praying.
Nancy, it does suck. It isn't fair and it so darned hard.You need to be strong for the boys, but they need to see your struggle, too. Sometimes you just have to take time to grieve … this is the time you rely on your friends and faith to carry you through.
My dear sweet friend, I feel your pain and know how much it hurts. I don't know how long it will 'suck' and there really isn't anything that I can say to make it 'suck' less right now. Know that I am praying that God Himself would comfort you. Praying that the Lord would carry you, stregthen you and raise you up. Praying that His ministering Angels would surround you and allow you that space and time needed to grieve. Praying that your tears would bring healing to your heart. Praying that your memories of what was will help you through the rough times. Praying that the love you shared with Mark will help you carry on. Praying that the love you have for Andrew and Ben will help lift you when you feel like giving up. Praying that you know God's ultimate plan has purpose and is divinely orchestrated. He knows the end of every situation. He has taken ALL things into account, both good and bad and declares that your latter will still be greater (even though it may not seem that way right now) God knows every tear, every moment of sadness, every pain, every heartache, every moment of despair and weakness and yes even the times when we are mad at Him and He makes will make it all work together for your good. Hold on and keep trusting because God knows where you are and He knows how to see you through. ((HUGS))
Yeah Nancy, your anger is real. I understand it, but in a different way. I read all your blog this day, you are doing it. And yes, you will have a legacy, not just with your boys