Today stinks. Yep, I’m just laying it out there. Went to Sunday School & church, had great messages both places, learning about leaving a legacy after you die. That’s something we should all strive for as Christians, to leave this place a little (or a lot!) better than when we first arrived.

But I find myself really angry today. As we drove home in the car following church, the boys were, well, being boys, playing with two balloons in the backseat. Their playful banter and laughing sounded so much like their dad’s. The closer we got to the house, the angrier I got. As we pulled into the driveway, I glanced at that truck that he loved to drive. I parked the car beside it, as I’ve done thousands of times. The boys scurried out, worried that one of the wayward balloons would find its way to the dog, never a good combination. I had my door open, purse in hand…but I could not move. Must’ve been 5 minutes before the boys realized that I wasn’t behind them, coming back to witness their mother with her head against the steering wheel of the car, sobbing.

I am so mad, God! Why did you take this wonderful husband and father? He had his whole future mapped out, our future, and now he’s gone. Is the future he planned for the four of us the future path I continue to follow? Or is there something else that You have in store for us? It’s hard being three when you’re used to being four. I know where he is, but I want him here with me, with our boys. God, I’m not mad at You, I’m just mad about the change in our plans. Guess they didn’t coincide with Yours. But I’m struggling. Struggling to find a routine that makes sense, that moves us in the right direction, and that keeps us looking toward You.

When does this get better? Everyone says “give it time”. Well, I don’t have alot of time. I have two boys depending on me to be both mom & dad for now. And for every good hour I have, I seem to have 4 that are not good. If my math skills don’t fail me, that’s only 20% of the time that my life doesn’t suck. Sorry about that word, ‘suck’, but it’s how Mark himself described his dilemma, only 2 days before his death. He raised that oxygen mask with just me in the room and said, clear as day, “This sucks!”. My response? “I know it does, sweetie, but all we can do is fight & try to make tomorrow suck a little less.” Those words spoke volumes about his situation. He knew he was in the fight of his life. And I thought that this strong healthy man would pull through.

Now I’m the one who has to “pull through”….the one that is determined to make “tomorrow suck a little less”. And it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever faced in my life. Part of me wants to close all the drapes, go to bed, and curl up into the fetal position…for days. But I can’t do that. I don’t have the luxury. I have the two most important parts of his legacy looking to me for strength & guidance. And I couldn’t even get out of my car today.

Dear God in heaven, I know that when I am weak, You are strong. Today, at least during this hour, You must be enormously strong for all three of us.

Well, the first day of our “dreaded weekend” went more smoothly than anticipated.  I have a suspicion that there were oodles of prayers being lifted up for us, especially as we approached the Little League field for A.J.’s game.  Brandon, A.J.’s coach, came up to me as soon as we arrived, wanted to know if I would be up for throwing out the ceremonial first pitch to AJ before the game, in memory & in celebration of Mark.  What could I say?  As long as Andrew was okay with it, I was game. 

I stood in that dugout as that coach huddled the boys together….some knew Mark, some didn’t….as he explained that AJ’s dad had passed away recently, and that the team was going to dedicate the entire fall season to Mark.  He also told them that Mark would not want them to be sad, but to live, be happy, and enjoy some baseball, ’cause that’s what he would be doing if he were here.

I headed out to the mound, Andrew to home plate.  His only instructions to me?  “Make sure you throw it over the plate!”  Brandon stood with me & explained to the crowd what we were doing.  I haven’t thrown a baseball in about a month, and I didn’t want to look like either President Obama or Bush with pitiful throws.  But I threw it hard, and it went across the plate.  The crowd cheered, and my son & I hugged.  I got to keep the ball. 

The Vernon LL team has probably been playing together since they were 3, ’cause they were good.  But my son went 2 for 2, had a couple of good plays at 1st base, and had an RBI.  Two dear friends, Amy and Randall, showed up shortly after the game began, so AJ had a good cheering section. 

A confession?  I’m 48 years old.  And I’ve never seen “The Lion King”….isn’t that sad?  So, to keep the day going on a positive note, the boys & I went to see it…. in 3D.  A great movie, although hard to watch as Simba’s dad is killed.  Think it upset me more than the boys.  They are so resilient, and seem to take things in stride a heck of alot easier than I do.  The theatre was full, with a varying audience age from babies to grandparents. 

The circle of life…it really has a deeper meaning.  I tried to explain to the boys on the way home that life is but a fleeting moment compared to eternity, even when someone lives to be 100.  But our spirituality was before we were born, and continues throughout eternity after we shed these clunky earthly bodies.  Or as my wise 9 year old put it, “Mom, death is just another part of life.” 

Mark’s mom emailed that his inscription for his mausoleum marker has been set.  I had 14 spaces for 4 separate lines.  How do you sum up a man’s life in four lines, 64 spaces? 

                     MARK H. HOWELL
                      OCT. 25, 1955
                      JULY 30, 2011
                    PHENOMENAL DAD

That fourth line?  His most important role,  the one he was most proud of (outside of being a child of God).  Amazingly, it took 14 spaces, no more, no less.

Be blessed….God is good,

Nancy

I used to live for weekends.  Especially weekends in Wichita Falls with cooler temperatures.  Mark, as a state employee could only work 40 hours a week.  This was a good thing, as Martha Stewart would say, a very good thing.  So many weeks he would be out after normal business hours, attending to one or more of his extra work activities, that by Friday he’d only have a few hours to get in to make his maximum of 40.  On those weeks, he’d either come home early, or take the entire day off.  This would’ve been one of those days today, for sure.  He’d be relaxed in his big old recliner, reading the paper & drinking a very strong hot cup of joe. While there, he’d be planning all kinds of fun stuff for the 4 of us to do for the upcoming weekend.

Now, weekends are decidedly different.  It’s just not as fun without him.  I’m trying, Lord knows I’m trying, but it’s not the same.  No booming male voice throughout the house.  No exclamations of pure joy at the arrival of his sons at the end of the school day.  No warm strong hugs for any of us. 

And to top it all off, fall baseball begins tomorrow.  Andrew will step out on the field, fully dressed, without his coach, confidante, and biggest cheerleader on the sidelines, at least in the physical sense.  Please keep him especially in your prayers as he does this “first” at noon tomorrow.  The ironic thing is that last season, a young widow had a son on A.J.’s team.  She has another child Ben’s age.  And I cannot tell you the number of times I saw my husband sitting beside that little boy in the dugout, talking to him, encouraging him.  As I look back, that spoke volumes about Mark’s character.  It was just the right thing to do, and he did it.  I hope that my sons will have men step in to do the same for them. 

Started calling agencies to remove Mark’s name from joint accounts this morning.  Yet another first, and a milestone, in my opinion.  Tough, tough, tough to do, though.  I’m waiting for something easy to do, and it just hasn’t happened yet.  But I have faith that it will. 

My devotion for today said, “Find fulfillment through living close to Me, yielding to My purposes for you.  Though I may lead you along paths that feel alien to you (you think, God?), trust that I know what I am doing.  If you follow Me wholeheartedly, you will discover facets of yourself that were previously hidden.  I know you intimately–far better than you know yourself.  In union with Me, you are complete.  In closeness to Me, you are transformed more and more into the one I designed you to be.”  But the real kicker came with the associated scripture, “You created every part of me; you put me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because you are to be feared; all you do is strange and wonderful.  I know it with all my heart.  When my bones were being formed, carefully put together in my mother’s womb, when I was growing there in secret, you knew I was there—you saw me before I was born.  The days alloted to me had all been recorded in your book before any of them ever began.” Ps 139:13-16 Good News Translation

So I wait, and I pray, and I hope for better days.  And in studying God’s word, I have the faith that those days are somewhere out there on the horizon.  Just remember, God, patience has never been one of my strong suits, but I’m working on it 🙂

Well, per usual, I spoke too soon about glimpses of better moments yesterday.  Today, thus far, I’ve been the proverbial mess.  Overwhelmed doesn’t even begin to describe how I feel today.  There is just so darn much to do, so much to take care of, business-wise, financially, spiritually, emotionally, and don’t even get me started about my laundry needs.

 I had another one of those panic-attack moments after coming back home from the boys’ school, thinking I cannot do this, I cannot do this.  I then remembered that I had forgotten to take my xanax, which seems to be helping in these issues.  The simple things that were ‘no-brainers’ for me to do seem to take the most time for me now.  And as the xanax begins to calm me, along with my devotional reading for the day, I try to slow down enough to be able to listen to what God needs me to do. 

I need to provide for my sons.  I need for them to feel love without end.  I need for them to feel safe, even though it’s just the three of us now.  I need to find male friends willing to come over and be wrestled around on the floor (by the boys, not me!), friends able to step in, albeit in a small way, to give Andrew & Ben a testosterone-based presence in their lives.  That’s a tall order, for sure.  But it’s what we need.

My second outdoor column was published today, it gives me something to aspire to.  http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2011/sep/15/with-fall-around-the-corner-life-really-is/ It keeps me honest by keeping my promise to Mark to teach our boys the importance of conservation, ecology, and just the pure joy of being outside.  It also gives me purpose, and hope that this outlet may serve a greater good & reach others who find themselves in similar crappy circumstances.  In the long run, I pray it helps all three of us heal. 

So, I think I’m done crying, at least for now.  There’s too much to be done for me to sit & feel sorry for myself.  There’s many in worse situations than I am in, and my boys & I have much to be thankful for.  And my dryer timer is telling me I have 20 shirts to hang up. 

Peace & blessings, friends…

Nancy

Last night was really difficult.   Bedtime is one of our hardest times of the day.  The usual routine involved both parents spending time, separately with the boys in their room, praying, sharing funny stories, talking about boy stuff.  I’d always go first, then whenever I was done, they’d gleefully yell for Mark to come down to their room.  He’d usually be in his big recliner, pausing whatever sports event that he was watching (thank goodness for dvr!)…he’d crank down, making a big deal of coming to their room, most nights uttering some sort of “man-grunt” (think Tim the tool man from Home Improvement), and head in for some guy time.  The laughter I’d hear coming from that room will always be in my heart & memory.
But, I digress.  Last night, we snuggled into one big bed, me in the middle, said our prayers & read a book together, “What Happens When We Die?” by Carolyn Nystrom.  It really had some valid questions, and we talked at length about what we think Mark’s doing up in heaven.  Both boys are very sure there are wheat fields, pastures to hunt with his two dogs already there (Jack & Bud), cool temps in the 60s, and 24 hour sports on all of the time.  Since Mark’s favorite meal was fish, they’re pretty sure he’s cooked some up for Jesus by now. 
We laughed, we cried, we snuggled, we prayed.   And even though it was one of the hardest nights starting out, we all seemed to sleep just a little better.  We woke up to a bit of rain (thank you, God!), all better rested than usual, and in a little better humor than usual. 
Ben actually had a little smile on his face as I walked with him to class today.  He clung a little less to me as I tried to leave.  I specifically asked in my prayers last night for the Holy Spirit to walk on one side of each boy, and for their Daddy’s spirit to be on the other side.  I, of course, tell them I’m in their heart each and every day.  Ben smiled & said that Daddy was in there, too. 
I know that today will be hard, just like any other day.  But this morning, just for a few minutes, I caught a glimpse of two boys being well, just two boys.  And a mom that didn’t cry as she left the school for home.  I can only pray that I catch more glimpses of that in the future. 

Trying to put all of my thoughts down in one place has been a problem since I lost Mark on July 30, 2011. Seems like an eternity, but it was “only” seven weeks ago today that he had his seemingly-routine surgery.

Since his death, I’ve written extensively on Facebook, in emails, in 2 different journals, and on scraps of paper. I know that I need to consolidate these thoughts & feelings, if not for me, for our sons, Andrew and Benjamin, who will maybe someday want to read this history of their dad’s untimely, unfortunate death, and the tale of the unimagined, unexpected journey that Mark’s death has forged as our path.

My main source of healing thus far has been expressing my feelings on Facebook. I also took over Mark’s weekly outdoor column at the Wichita Falls Time Record News as of September 8th. This is a way I can honor him, keep my promise to him to continue to instill a love of nature & the outdoors
in both boys, and maybe experience some peace and healing for myself & for us as a family.
Here are the links to the first week’s columns:

http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2011/sep/08/wife-keeps-outdoors-writers-spirit-alive/?cid=Facebook

http://www.timesrecordnews.com/news/2011/sep/08/beginning-an-unexpected-journey-in-the-outdoors/

We’ll see how this goes….

Nancy