Opened the drapes in my bedroom this morning, just as the sun was coming up. I almost never look toward the back of the yard, but a dozen or so Canada geese were flying low, heading over the trail to Lake Wichita. As my eyes followed them, they rested on the back gate of our fence….it was open. I sprang into action….all I needed was for the prized Maggie Mae to be loose in the neighborhood. Thankfully, she was still snuggled asleep, far back in her house. Upon further examination, one whole board had been removed from the gate, the board with the gate latch. It was simply standing there, with the gate open. Got a few nails and a hammer, and put that bad boy back together. Crisis averted.
As I walked back to the gate with tools in hand, two geese flew over my head, so close I could practically reach out and touch them. I know Mark, I know…you’re watching over us.
Began the tedious involved process of house cleaning today. I have family coming in T minus 48 hours. Our housekeeper’s coming tomorrow, and Mark always joked that I was the only person on the planet that would clean a house before someone came to clean. I countered with the argument that I was technically not cleaning, but picking up clutter so that she could do her job more efficiently.
Whenever the boys go to bed, I lay with them for awhile. It’s a good time for us to unwind, and we had been praying aloud. We discontinued that, it seems to upset them too much right before they are going to sleep…so I pray silently as they are drifting off to sleep. I find it to be the most relaxing time of the day, as I lay next to a sleeping angel of a boy. If you look closely, you can still see the remnants of their cherubic baby faces while they sleep. Laying there in the dark, praying to my God in heaven, I feel rejuvenated and at peace.
Yes, I’m sad. Yes, I may still cry. But life goes on, whether I like it or not. Do I want to continually look back and wonder “what if?”, fully knowing that it will do nothing but keep me in turmoil. Wondering what we could’ve done does my family no good in the here and now…and I believe that the only way for us to move forward in this journey is to let the “what ifs” go. I know of too many people who let the “what ifs” consume them, and keep them in a perpetual state of grieving that they may never get through. I do not want that for me or my boys. We can mourn Mark, we can miss him, we can honor him. All of this can be done while continuing to live life and move forward.
As we watched the first game of the World Series tonight, we missed Mark greatly. He lived for October sports…World Series, NCAA Football, NFL, and the beginnings of college basketball. I told Andrew that I’m sure Mark will be with us at the game Saturday night….Andrew chuckled and replied, “Mom, he’ll have a front row seat, alot better than what we have!” Maybe he can spend some time in the nosebleed section with us, too 🙂