My blog posts are becoming less frequent. Although I still have much to share, it seems like I’m too busy with everyday life to sit and reflect. For me, that is both a good and a bad thing–I’m doing well, happy with the way life is heading, even though it is without Mark here alongside me in the physical sense. It’s a not-so-good thing because I feel that time spent in this medium has been one of the reasons so much healing has taken place in our home over this past 15+ months.
Recently, I had an epiphany. I was driving home from Sunday morning church service, alone. With the exception of school hours, I am never alone. But the boys had acolyte training after the morning service, and I was free until 1:30, the appointed pickup time. Driving down Kemp Boulevard, my car headed south towards the Howell Four Sixes “ranch,” I realized how very quiet the car was. Now Sundays are difficult, because I’m still not used to sitting by myself. Boys head off mid-service to children’s worship, and Mark would sit closer to me. I loved it, just the two of us.
Since his death, A.J, Ben, and I have become a close-knit threesome family unit. We are there for each other, a true team. Shortly after Mark’s death, I told folks the boys would be my saving grace. But I never truly felt how much they were until that Sunday, as I was driving home alone. IF I didn’t have them, driving home would be that way. Everytime. No laughter, no whining or teasing, no singing along with the radio. No deep discussions about life, about what we learned at church, no lunch suggestions. I would be ALONE.
It gave me a renewed sense of thankfulness. Even though I hate it that my sons no longer have their daddy here, I am oh-so-glad they are here alongside me, walking this path so that I am not alone.
Not that any of us is ever truly “alone”….we always have the Holy Spirit with us. I not only feel Him, but also Mark, at various times throughout each and every day. I know that heaven would not be heaven for him if he could not see his precious boys.
So maybe there’s a bit of truth in the joking phrase I tell people—that if I didn’t have my boys, I’d be some crazy widow with about a dozen cats in the house….
Glad I won’t have to find that out.
With all the recent focus on elections and various beliefs, questions about candidates’ religious views, the way they were brought up, how they govern, how they parent, etc. etc…..I have pretty much remained silent, except for expressing my personal opinion to a few close friends (who, by the way, don’t give a rat’s behind as to what political persuasion I lean toward). But reading my Message Bible this morning, I find something worth sharing, worth thinking about for us ALL: